I'm 150. Which is better, I suppose. It's been 500 cals every day for the last three days. But I can't even be excited over the fact that I'm so close to the 140s because I'm too busy thinking about W, and how spectacularly the possibility of something failed.
Of course, I was stupid. I know it. Thinking that a random hookup could turn into something more. I'm going to Boston tomorrow, and I was SO excited to see him. But when I texted him that I was coming, he texted back this word that I didn't understand. I asked him about it and he didn't reply. Then I go on his facebook and see multiple posts from this other girl - whose name just happens to be the same as that word. FML.
I don't know, I mean, I know there are so many women all over him, but I just never thought that he wouldn't even have my number in his new phone. I never thought that when I texted him "Guess who's coming to Boston?:)" the first person he'd think of would be someone ELSE. I never thought that I wouldnt even be excited by the return of my weight loss.
I don't know. I'm just...lonely. And I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Guess who's back...and I owe you updates
Yes, I know, I know.
I have been a very bad girl. And I am deeply embarassed to tell you all that my CW is 156.5 lbs.
But there IS good news - I have resolved to spring back. The realization that I have a mere month and a half before the end of semester (and before I go home to my food-Nazi parents) has scared the crap out of me. For a while, I was in full recovery-mode (if I can be so presumptuous at this ridiculous CW as to call myself a 'recovering ana').
The truth is, I feel like I no longer have much credibility on this blog, which I was too ashamed to update during my Eating Days. I'm always falling off the wagon, then clambering back on for the shortest time before I slide again. Well, I could now resolve not to do that again, but I have a new, more worthwhile resolution - to take things one day at a time.
So far today, I've been good. And I let myself think this is a small accomplishment, because today has been the first 500 calorie day in a long, long time (as evidenced by the unmoving numbers on the scale). I miss seeing those numbers go down. I miss the numbing feeling in my stomach, the delightful sensation of seeing my body shrink and my jeans grow looser on my waist day by day.
Also, now is the time, more than ever, when I must look skinny. Dear readers, I have met someone, who's amazing. And sexy. And who has a perfect body. Let's call this young man W. Now, I haven't seen W in a very long time - three YEARS, to be precise. When I first met him, I was a mammoth seventeen year old. Today, at 21, I am far from perfect, but I am about fifteen pounds thinner than I was. And when I dressed up to go out (which is when I bumped into W), I was looking my skinniest, in an outfit that made me look even thinner. The results were painfully, patently evident: W couldn't take his eyes off me - or rather, my body - all night. He even asked me (and he is not an unsubtle lad) how I'd lost so much weight, and how I'd gotten so h-o-t! I know, I know, that makes him sound like a grade A berk, but I promise he isn't. He's actually really nice. And let's be frank. No boy likes a fat girl. There have been so many times I've been out with my thinner friends, and had boys slide their eyes RIGHT past me in order to check out my friends - who didn't have particularly pretty faces, but who did have better bodies...
I'm so tired of that trend. It needs to die. And I want W's jaws to drop. And I need him to feel the wonderful flatness of my belly when we touch, when we make love. We have already, several times, and each time I've switched off the lights, cringed in the darkness, smoothed out the irregular planes of my body so that he wouldn't see or feel the lumps and bumps. I want to take off my clothes, unashamed, ready and eager for him to see the supermodel body I am so determined to have.
And this is the way to do it. But I don't want to regress, I won't, no I CAN'T fail again. This is the only way I know how not to fail - to take things one day at a time, to update this blog daily, to thinspire daily. Small promises, but I hope they will lead to great things.
I have been a very bad girl. And I am deeply embarassed to tell you all that my CW is 156.5 lbs.
But there IS good news - I have resolved to spring back. The realization that I have a mere month and a half before the end of semester (and before I go home to my food-Nazi parents) has scared the crap out of me. For a while, I was in full recovery-mode (if I can be so presumptuous at this ridiculous CW as to call myself a 'recovering ana').
The truth is, I feel like I no longer have much credibility on this blog, which I was too ashamed to update during my Eating Days. I'm always falling off the wagon, then clambering back on for the shortest time before I slide again. Well, I could now resolve not to do that again, but I have a new, more worthwhile resolution - to take things one day at a time.
So far today, I've been good. And I let myself think this is a small accomplishment, because today has been the first 500 calorie day in a long, long time (as evidenced by the unmoving numbers on the scale). I miss seeing those numbers go down. I miss the numbing feeling in my stomach, the delightful sensation of seeing my body shrink and my jeans grow looser on my waist day by day.
Also, now is the time, more than ever, when I must look skinny. Dear readers, I have met someone, who's amazing. And sexy. And who has a perfect body. Let's call this young man W. Now, I haven't seen W in a very long time - three YEARS, to be precise. When I first met him, I was a mammoth seventeen year old. Today, at 21, I am far from perfect, but I am about fifteen pounds thinner than I was. And when I dressed up to go out (which is when I bumped into W), I was looking my skinniest, in an outfit that made me look even thinner. The results were painfully, patently evident: W couldn't take his eyes off me - or rather, my body - all night. He even asked me (and he is not an unsubtle lad) how I'd lost so much weight, and how I'd gotten so h-o-t! I know, I know, that makes him sound like a grade A berk, but I promise he isn't. He's actually really nice. And let's be frank. No boy likes a fat girl. There have been so many times I've been out with my thinner friends, and had boys slide their eyes RIGHT past me in order to check out my friends - who didn't have particularly pretty faces, but who did have better bodies...
I'm so tired of that trend. It needs to die. And I want W's jaws to drop. And I need him to feel the wonderful flatness of my belly when we touch, when we make love. We have already, several times, and each time I've switched off the lights, cringed in the darkness, smoothed out the irregular planes of my body so that he wouldn't see or feel the lumps and bumps. I want to take off my clothes, unashamed, ready and eager for him to see the supermodel body I am so determined to have.
And this is the way to do it. But I don't want to regress, I won't, no I CAN'T fail again. This is the only way I know how not to fail - to take things one day at a time, to update this blog daily, to thinspire daily. Small promises, but I hope they will lead to great things.
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