This time it's much,much harder

Here are the stats, see for yourself:
I started on the 22nd at 158. Today I'm 153.
That's 5 lbs in 12 days. Only. I'm eating 500 cals a day and exercising for at least an hour. Why??? Before, I used to be able to drop a pound or two a day!
Which is why I need to do more than just keep track of numbers. ALL my intake and exercise is going in this blog.
Today, so far (because I'm going to eat more at brekker to keep my metabolism going) I've eaten a 300-cal bowl of oatmeal and a diet hot chocolate (25 cals).
Goal is to exercise at least 2 hours and keep intake to 400 altogether.
Will report back tonight, to see if I've met it.

Loss of a pound a day

Progress!

Only watermelon juice and lemon juice today (unsweetened, all-natural).

Hatred

I'm so unhappy.

Two days of (supposed) dieting and zero willpower down, I didn't lose an ounce. If anything, I gained it.

The scale showed 157 yesterday, but 1-fucking-60 today. POINT five. I did weigh myself earlier than I usually do...but still, it oughtn't to be that much.

God, I'm just a fat, ugly, horrible failure of an ana. I'm a cow, an elephant, any number of jungle beasts.

I take out my anger on my body by cutting it (like THAT makes sense) but do I do the normal thing and starve? No.

I'm sorry, this post isn't entertaining. And it won't be, until I get back on the right track. Clamber on the wagon I can't seem to get on these days. Pray that I find the strength, because this cycle of self hatred needs to end.

Will report back tomorrow, when (hopefully) I'll be thinner. Either way...I'll be here.

Hope you all have better luck, and are HAVING better luck, and willpower and strength, than me.

The agony and the ecstasy

So...I decided NOT to start that day. Which was because we were celebrating something quite big. And daddy opened a great big spanking new bottle of expensive liquor. Fattening liquor. And wouldn't you know it, I had to drink or they'd suspect something was up.

But fear not. I'm starting today. And already I'm super hungry. NOW I finally get it, I remember what being wannarexic was like. You have to feel hungry ALL the time. Not a little bit of the time. Not half the time even but ALL the effing time. And I've just made it that much harder for myself, because now I have thirty-one days to do it, thanks to my own procrastination and greedy, greedy attachment to food. I don't know why I love food so much. I certainly don't love it more than being thin, which I'm starting to fear I'll never be. All my life, I'll be called "thunder-thighs" (yes, I was called that recently and it blew a coin-sized hole in my fragile heart).

I can't. As much as it hurts to wave away food, as much as it hurts to not bite into the chips on the table, it hurts far more to not be thin. So I've been driven to it.

Intake for today- DAY ONE

1 small bowl carrots

1 small bowl fruit

That's it.

I'll be back later but in the meantime I'll leave you with some thinspo, so I can feel disgusting about my weight (157- I hate hate hate my lack of will power, it's truly nauseating). For once, I'll say, don't do this if you're sane. Only if you're INSANE, like me.

Love always from

your sad fat sack of Failure.

The Thirty-Five Day Bootcamp (My Style)

Here's the breakdown:
CW? 156. Eh.
GW? 140.

Sixteen pounds. In 35 days.

Day One: Veggies(big, huge, steaming bowl). Sliced carrots (steamed). Plus nonfat liquids.
Too bad I've already eaten all my allotted calories. For breakfast. Yikes.

Well, this just means I can't eat any more today. It's my birthday on the 1st of July. I must be a skinny mini by then.
Updates will be regular and progress WILL be charted daily. I tried to lose weight without this blog and I couldn't do it. At the most I could maintain my 156. Yuck. If I know I have to put my weight down everyday maybe then I'll actually suceed.

Bye-bye, lovelies...(will post a longer post shortly, with new thinspo and updates on my shocking levels of F-A-T)

What do I do now?

Lately I have been such a failure.

First of all, I weigh 157. Two pounds gained in ONE day. How is that possible? Wait, I'll tell you, because I binged like mad last night. Mum baked an apple pie for my brother and I stuffed great handfuls of it into my mouth -oh, the warm buttery crust - after everyone had gone to bed.

But of course, I didn't stop there. No siree.

Secondly, I went to a party Saturday night. I wore my waist-binding skirt and a black top that I could swear made me look waifish and slender. So I was happy. And I saw this fairly chubby, nondescript girl, who seemed familiar. As I was perkily asking her if she was sure we hadn't met before, a thin-as-a-reed chap in the corner piped up, yeah! You've met at VLCC!

VLCC is a weight-loss clinic mostly patronized by the extremely obese.

I stared in shock at him as he dissolved into laughter.

What am I thinking? I am NOT waifish. I am FAT. So fat that strangers say it to my face. I drank a whole half bottle of vodka, went home and cut myself while I cried.

Please help me. I am so miserable. Dear Ana, please help me. I need to not eat today. I NEED to get back to 155 by tomorrow so I can start losing more and never be fat again. Things will be different then. Today I'm just a sad fat sack. A heartbroken one.

155- I think!

Dear Skinny Minnies,

Do any of you have a trick of standing on your scale a certain way to save an extra pound? I do! Don't worry, I don't dangle a leg over it or anything, I stand properly, letting the scale read my full weight. But this morning when I stood on the scale, it read 156. I got back on with my patented wriggle and boom! it read 155.
Now this may be wrong, but since I've been doing the patented wriggle every day, I figured I'd let it read 155. At least that way I'd have lost a pound since yesterday.
But I WANT MORE! I'm as greedy as Augustus Gloop! I want two pounds of weight loss a day! I want two pounds of weight loss every day!
The thing is, though, I'm starting to feel like someone on a severely restricted diet ,but NOT like a true Ana. I must eat less. So far today I've already scoffed an entire half jug of watermelon juice (unsweetened) which I've convinced myself is good for me because it's a natural diuretic. But that is ALL I will eat or drink today. It's Saturday night (crap), so I might have to go out with the girls, in which case I will stick to two glasses of white wine. No vodka, no cocktails. And of course, my usual gym routine. I'll try to bust out another two hours today. Have simply got to get thinner faster.

XOXO, my hollow sweeties.