Loss of a pound a day

Progress!

Only watermelon juice and lemon juice today (unsweetened, all-natural).

Hatred

I'm so unhappy.

Two days of (supposed) dieting and zero willpower down, I didn't lose an ounce. If anything, I gained it.

The scale showed 157 yesterday, but 1-fucking-60 today. POINT five. I did weigh myself earlier than I usually do...but still, it oughtn't to be that much.

God, I'm just a fat, ugly, horrible failure of an ana. I'm a cow, an elephant, any number of jungle beasts.

I take out my anger on my body by cutting it (like THAT makes sense) but do I do the normal thing and starve? No.

I'm sorry, this post isn't entertaining. And it won't be, until I get back on the right track. Clamber on the wagon I can't seem to get on these days. Pray that I find the strength, because this cycle of self hatred needs to end.

Will report back tomorrow, when (hopefully) I'll be thinner. Either way...I'll be here.

Hope you all have better luck, and are HAVING better luck, and willpower and strength, than me.

The agony and the ecstasy

So...I decided NOT to start that day. Which was because we were celebrating something quite big. And daddy opened a great big spanking new bottle of expensive liquor. Fattening liquor. And wouldn't you know it, I had to drink or they'd suspect something was up.

But fear not. I'm starting today. And already I'm super hungry. NOW I finally get it, I remember what being wannarexic was like. You have to feel hungry ALL the time. Not a little bit of the time. Not half the time even but ALL the effing time. And I've just made it that much harder for myself, because now I have thirty-one days to do it, thanks to my own procrastination and greedy, greedy attachment to food. I don't know why I love food so much. I certainly don't love it more than being thin, which I'm starting to fear I'll never be. All my life, I'll be called "thunder-thighs" (yes, I was called that recently and it blew a coin-sized hole in my fragile heart).

I can't. As much as it hurts to wave away food, as much as it hurts to not bite into the chips on the table, it hurts far more to not be thin. So I've been driven to it.

Intake for today- DAY ONE

1 small bowl carrots

1 small bowl fruit

That's it.

I'll be back later but in the meantime I'll leave you with some thinspo, so I can feel disgusting about my weight (157- I hate hate hate my lack of will power, it's truly nauseating). For once, I'll say, don't do this if you're sane. Only if you're INSANE, like me.

Love always from

your sad fat sack of Failure.

The Thirty-Five Day Bootcamp (My Style)

Here's the breakdown:
CW? 156. Eh.
GW? 140.

Sixteen pounds. In 35 days.

Day One: Veggies(big, huge, steaming bowl). Sliced carrots (steamed). Plus nonfat liquids.
Too bad I've already eaten all my allotted calories. For breakfast. Yikes.

Well, this just means I can't eat any more today. It's my birthday on the 1st of July. I must be a skinny mini by then.
Updates will be regular and progress WILL be charted daily. I tried to lose weight without this blog and I couldn't do it. At the most I could maintain my 156. Yuck. If I know I have to put my weight down everyday maybe then I'll actually suceed.

Bye-bye, lovelies...(will post a longer post shortly, with new thinspo and updates on my shocking levels of F-A-T)

What do I do now?

Lately I have been such a failure.

First of all, I weigh 157. Two pounds gained in ONE day. How is that possible? Wait, I'll tell you, because I binged like mad last night. Mum baked an apple pie for my brother and I stuffed great handfuls of it into my mouth -oh, the warm buttery crust - after everyone had gone to bed.

But of course, I didn't stop there. No siree.

Secondly, I went to a party Saturday night. I wore my waist-binding skirt and a black top that I could swear made me look waifish and slender. So I was happy. And I saw this fairly chubby, nondescript girl, who seemed familiar. As I was perkily asking her if she was sure we hadn't met before, a thin-as-a-reed chap in the corner piped up, yeah! You've met at VLCC!

VLCC is a weight-loss clinic mostly patronized by the extremely obese.

I stared in shock at him as he dissolved into laughter.

What am I thinking? I am NOT waifish. I am FAT. So fat that strangers say it to my face. I drank a whole half bottle of vodka, went home and cut myself while I cried.

Please help me. I am so miserable. Dear Ana, please help me. I need to not eat today. I NEED to get back to 155 by tomorrow so I can start losing more and never be fat again. Things will be different then. Today I'm just a sad fat sack. A heartbroken one.

155- I think!

Dear Skinny Minnies,

Do any of you have a trick of standing on your scale a certain way to save an extra pound? I do! Don't worry, I don't dangle a leg over it or anything, I stand properly, letting the scale read my full weight. But this morning when I stood on the scale, it read 156. I got back on with my patented wriggle and boom! it read 155.
Now this may be wrong, but since I've been doing the patented wriggle every day, I figured I'd let it read 155. At least that way I'd have lost a pound since yesterday.
But I WANT MORE! I'm as greedy as Augustus Gloop! I want two pounds of weight loss a day! I want two pounds of weight loss every day!
The thing is, though, I'm starting to feel like someone on a severely restricted diet ,but NOT like a true Ana. I must eat less. So far today I've already scoffed an entire half jug of watermelon juice (unsweetened) which I've convinced myself is good for me because it's a natural diuretic. But that is ALL I will eat or drink today. It's Saturday night (crap), so I might have to go out with the girls, in which case I will stick to two glasses of white wine. No vodka, no cocktails. And of course, my usual gym routine. I'll try to bust out another two hours today. Have simply got to get thinner faster.

XOXO, my hollow sweeties.

I really think this time it'll be different

I've been a bad little girl. I've stayed away for three days.
But the only reason is because I've been...sigh...eating. Not bingeing, but eating regularly, and of course the weight piled right back on. Soon I was 159! Ah, how perilous is our hold upon Ana, is it not?
Not for long though, because then I stopped eating, post haste. I am living mostly on liquids (clear soup and fat free buttermilk only) now I'm right back to 156. At least, I was 156 this morning, and tomorrow I'll definitely be less. Have upped my workouts to two hours daily at the gym (which leaves me feeling tres tired and not inclined to write long blog posts). That should do something, I think. I keep thinking of Nadine Coyle from Girls Aloud, who is only an inch shorter than me, yet who weighs 55+ pounds LESS THAN ME. Talk about thinspo!

Later, lovelies. Big smooches.

The aftermath

Ok, so I actually did binge. Not much. But enough.

And today Ana hangs her head in shame. I'm 157. I gained a whole pound and a half since yesterday. But do NOT worry. I promise you, today I know new determination. Today I'll make Ana proud of me.

I'll report back tomorrow, my lovelies. Cross your fingers it's with better news than today. I never can bear to write a long post when I've GAINED weight.

Thinking skinny thoughts of you all!

Fear of bingeing, fear of the scale

This is getting out of hand.
After a particularly strenuous workout, I ate an entire roll of Hubba Bubba bubble gum. 180 calories.
And a few frozen grapes, and a glass of unsweetened watermelon juice. Maybe 400, 500 calories total today? And I feel like I've been binging non-stop. What is wrong with me? All I can think of is the scale. It HAS to be lower tomorrow. Or I'll step it up.
I can't have been trying hard enough or I would feel fainter, dizzier. At the moment the smell of banana bread wafts through the house, and I do feel like eating it, but I don't feel anywhere close to as weak as I should. ZERO calories tomorrow. Come what may. And I just hope the number on the scale keeps sinking.

Gym-trim

I'm feeling a bit better today, because I'm 155.5. And I was tired before I saw the numbers on the scale, and thinking, God, I don't want to go to the gym today, or even stick to not eating. But the amazing/incredibly cruel thing about Ana is that once you begin to lose weight, you're deathly scared to stop. All I can think about is whether or not I'll be as thin tomorrow. Whether or not I'll have lost another pound. Or even two.

Yesterday I went to the gym, and worked out hard (then I went dancing, so hard that I burned off the three glasses of white wine I had to have because it's Saturday and everyone was drinking). Bloody hard. I sweated and ran and jiggled and boxed and sat up till I couldn't stand up. I see now that to keep my metabolism up, I'll have to keep exercising as well as not eating. My weight loss will be much faster that way. Which is why I'm going to drag my lard-arse to the gym in a few hours and go even harder than yesterday.

At the gym, with harsh unforgiving mirrors on every side, I keep watching my horrible fleshy, sausagey body as it shakes (like a jelly) with every kilometre, and I simply can't wait for the day when I can put on a wifebeater, show off toned, slender arms, and a flat, honed stomach. I just can't wait to be thin.

Still 157.5 on the dot.

Ack.
STOP.
EATING.
NOW.

It's a quiet sort of day.

Unfortunately it's also Friday, and three of my friends (at last count) want to do something with me. I really don't. All I want to do is go to the gym for a couple of hours, come home, and lie down on my couch. If I go meet my friends I know what will happen: they will drink. They will eat -disgusting, fattening junk food - and they will drink. The only thing I'm permitting myself at the mo is a single glass of red wine. NO ALCOHOL.

I really need to step it up because I weighed myself today and I am 157.5. Only one pound lost since yesterday, in spite of somewhat vigorous exercising and a rigid diet that was mostly stuck to. Fuck fucketty fuck. I know I shouldn't run before I walk, but at the same time, I don't have to remind you that it is March. Soon, very soon, summer will be here. A summer of tank tops, of gauzy skirts, of off-the shoulder shirts, of teeny tiny denim shorts, even of (god forbid) bikinis. The thought of having anybody see my body (in its current state) in any of the above makes me want to consign all the food in my house to the garbage dump round the corner.

Physically I'm doing okay. A little weary, a little inclined to be quiet. I'll have some coffee as a pick-me-up in a minute. There's a dry, chalky feel to my mouth, but no pains or headaches or nausea or such, which all the size zero shows have been warning of. Guess that means I am strong. And that is what I have to hold on to: the thought of being strong.

Super tired today

158.5 in the morning, which should definitely be less tomorrow. All I've eaten are two cups of coffee (40 cals each, with Splenda) and a handful of fruit slices. Plus I went to the gym for an hour and a half. My mum noticed I'd lost some weight, but thank god, didn't force me to eat. God ,I can't even type properly, my hands are shaking ever so slightly.

I'm just tired, though: no nausea or headaches, in spite of the one cigarette I smoked. So tired that I need some thinspo. To make up for my lack of wordiness, here are some gorgeous pictures, that make me feel light and airy just looking at them. Real Girls + MK Olsen = some serious thinspo.

PS - I'm also going to watch Super Slim Me and The Race to Size Zero. Check them out, both are on YouTube and both are fantastic motivators.

Ugh, ugh

160 today. Knew it was too good to be true. Damn it.
Actually, wait, scratch that last. What did I think was going to happen when I stuffed myself with grapes and bits of bread pudding all night long?
You see, the problem is this: I'm sort of in love. Not in love love, but a melancholy form of love that has left me weak and dreamy. (AND he noticed that I'd put on weight! He said 'very slightly' to be gracious, but bloody effing hell.) And unlike in novels, where the lovelorn heroine curls up in bed and refuses to eat (lucky bitch), I have no such luxury. All I want to do when my lover's gone away is to EAT. Godiva chocolates and sweet milky coffee. Fork-rich cake and tart, vinegar-y chips.

Instead, I'm embarking on a fast today. Nothing shall pass my lips except water and buttermilk. I want him to see me looking wispy and ethereal in my photos.

Wish me luck, lovelies. I will (breathes deeply) be strong.

Last night

I dreamt of food. A delicious, high-heaped chocolate sundae with banana bits, maraschino cherries, and a tower of fresh-whipped cream. It was on a table in front of me and I couldn't bring myself to eat it.

Today I'm 158. Again, in spite of the fact that I drank half a bottle of red wine last night, and again, because I smoked like a chimney and didn't touch food that everyone else was eating (they ordered pizza last night, for heaven's sakes).

Also haven't gone to the gym in three days. Is shut today, so will go tomorrow. And of course, will not drink or eat tonight. The only thing I'm scared of is that this auto-pilot weight loss ceases to be. Oh please, please, please don't let that happen. It's the only thing I have right now. the semblance of control.

The ultimate pay-off is...

...to stand on a scale and feel yourself lighter.

160.5 today. In spite of the fact that I drank about a pitcher of beer last night, (and OJ) I only had one solid meal, some frozen grapes. Hence the weight loss.

Oh, Ana, I should have known you'd never let me down. Only one night of worshipping at your altar and BOOM! Your blessings rain down like gold.

Unfortunately, dear one, I have a date tonight, and therefore cannot skip alcohol tonight, at least not completely. But I'll think of a good excuse for not eating. You better believe I will.

Starve on.

Round Two begins

Dear whoever stumbles upon this blog in the Internet wilds of nowhere, if such there may be:

I have not died. Nor has an intervention been held pour moi - please, I lost a lousy 15 lbs and then stopped losing. And then I gained it all back. So, no, so far I am only Anorexic, Interrupted. But I HAVE been reading some other ana blogs of late, and I realized two things:

a) A lot of them start-stop intermittently.

b) I need the help of a daily forum in order to lose weight, even if no-one but me is actually on the forum. I am not ashamed to come back here anymore. Ana is a long journey. I can't rush it, and it feels good to be back, just like trying on a pair of old, comfortable cotton shorts you wore in high school.

So I've been hugely busy applying to grad school, which starts in August. This summer I have to be thin. Thin, or, well, dead. But I just can't seem to lose weight. I -ugh- keep eating. And being at home all the time means I'm bored and not burning a single calorie. Thus my weight is -shush - a Fatty Lumpkin weight of 163.5 lbs as of this morning. BUT, but I've joined the gym. And I faithfully promise to recommit to ana, and not eat, and write down every single thing that I do happen to eat in this blog. Because, you see, all the time we were apart, I've been dreaming of ana. And to tell you the truth, I think she's been dreaming of me too.

Love to all the skinny bitches in cyberspace (with some new off the racks thinspo just to show them I care). XOXO