FUCKetty fuck.

I'm 150. Which is better, I suppose. It's been 500 cals every day for the last three days. But I can't even be excited over the fact that I'm so close to the 140s because I'm too busy thinking about W, and how spectacularly the possibility of something failed.

Of course, I was stupid. I know it. Thinking that a random hookup could turn into something more. I'm going to Boston tomorrow, and I was SO excited to see him. But when I texted him that I was coming, he texted back this word that I didn't understand. I asked him about it and he didn't reply. Then I go on his facebook and see multiple posts from this other girl - whose name just happens to be the same as that word. FML.

I don't know, I mean, I know there are so many women all over him, but I just never thought that he wouldn't even have my number in his new phone. I never thought that when I texted him "Guess who's coming to Boston?:)" the first person he'd think of would be someone ELSE. I never thought that I wouldnt even be excited by the return of my weight loss.

I don't know. I'm just...lonely. And I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Guess who's back...and I owe you updates

Yes, I know, I know.
I have been a very bad girl. And I am deeply embarassed to tell you all that my CW is 156.5 lbs.

But there IS good news - I have resolved to spring back. The realization that I have a mere month and a half before the end of semester (and before I go home to my food-Nazi parents) has scared the crap out of me. For a while, I was in full recovery-mode (if I can be so presumptuous at this ridiculous CW as to call myself a 'recovering ana').

The truth is, I feel like I no longer have much credibility on this blog, which I was too ashamed to update during my Eating Days. I'm always falling off the wagon, then clambering back on for the shortest time before I slide again. Well, I could now resolve not to do that again, but I have a new, more worthwhile resolution - to take things one day at a time.

So far today, I've been good. And I let myself think this is a small accomplishment, because today has been the first 500 calorie day in a long, long time (as evidenced by the unmoving numbers on the scale). I miss seeing those numbers go down. I miss the numbing feeling in my stomach, the delightful sensation of seeing my body shrink and my jeans grow looser on my waist day by day.

Also, now is the time, more than ever, when I must look skinny. Dear readers, I have met someone, who's amazing. And sexy. And who has a perfect body. Let's call this young man W. Now, I haven't seen W in a very long time - three YEARS, to be precise. When I first met him, I was a mammoth seventeen year old. Today, at 21, I am far from perfect, but I am about fifteen pounds thinner than I was. And when I dressed up to go out (which is when I bumped into W), I was looking my skinniest, in an outfit that made me look even thinner. The results were painfully, patently evident: W couldn't take his eyes off me - or rather, my body - all night. He even asked me (and he is not an unsubtle lad) how I'd lost so much weight, and how I'd gotten so h-o-t! I know, I know, that makes him sound like a grade A berk, but I promise he isn't. He's actually really nice. And let's be frank. No boy likes a fat girl. There have been so many times I've been out with my thinner friends, and had boys slide their eyes RIGHT past me in order to check out my friends - who didn't have particularly pretty faces, but who did have better bodies...
I'm so tired of that trend. It needs to die. And I want W's jaws to drop. And I need him to feel the wonderful flatness of my belly when we touch, when we make love. We have already, several times, and each time I've switched off the lights, cringed in the darkness, smoothed out the irregular planes of my body so that he wouldn't see or feel the lumps and bumps. I want to take off my clothes, unashamed, ready and eager for him to see the supermodel body I am so determined to have.

And this is the way to do it. But I don't want to regress, I won't, no I CAN'T fail again. This is the only way I know how not to fail - to take things one day at a time, to update this blog daily, to thinspire daily. Small promises, but I hope they will lead to great things.

151.5

That's all I have to say for now. Excited about getting so close to the 140's.

(Also, am never doing coke again.)

COKE

COKE. 200 grams- 200 USD. So expensive but so good. The only way to lose weight.

Fucking tweaked, can't type properly, still got a line to do. Still fat (154). At least I haven't gained any more.

Update tomorrow.

151 today

I suppose that's what having a lot of vigorous sex will do for you.

Slip-up

So I've been eating (semi-normally, never breaking a 1000) for 3 days straight.
Result? I'm now 158. I see now that you can NEVER go back to eating normally. Just a week ago-ish I was 145. Now I'm a mere 10 pounds away from my highest weight.

I'm so sorry for letting you all (and myself!) down like this. But I promise, no more of this. From tomorrow I will be very strict with myself. Went to the mall today and bought tonnes of cute clothes, none of which fit me. Or, to be more accurate, they FIT me, but I look like a woolly mammoth in them.

Aargh. I need to give my body what it wants. And what it wants is to be thin.

Report back tomorrow morning when hopefully I will at least be 155 again.

What.The.Fuck

So I just weighed myself and I'm ONE FIFTY FIVE pounds. How?

I was 145 THIS MORNING. I know I don't usually weigh myself at night, but still! Ten pounds in 24 hours? And I didn't go over 300-400 cals today. (AND it's a new scale, which means it can't be wrong.)

Fine. Fuck this. I'm seriously depressed. This means I only lost 10 pounds since kick off point. I can't even believe it.

I can't be a fucking fat ass for ever. It's time to get out the big guns. Tomorrow morning I'll weigh myself again (and hopefully I'll have lost weight), but either way it's ZERO cals tomorrow. I don't care if it's going to make me pass out, or feel nauseous - I gotta, gotta, gotta do this.

:( - is how I feel right now. And I was having such a good day...Why is the world - and the weighing scales - so messed up?

Breathe, I remind myself. I was actually suspicious when I saw 145 this morning. I knew it was too good to be true.

No-one ever said it was going to be easy.

Twenty pounds since kick-off!

I am incredibly hungry and craving the sensation of food in my mouth, but am NOT about to jeopardize everything I'm working towards. My skinny jeans, as previously reported, are finally fitting just right (there's still a little bit of muffin top) and the number on the scale is 145 lbs. Just last night it was 153.5, but then I had to dash to the loo - I hadn't gone in three days! and...well...the rest may be mercifully skipped over. Suffice it to say there was a violent expulsion (enema-style) of any refuse my body was holding on to. Thus the water weight was lost.

Now I just have to be careful to not slip up. I've come a ways but there's a LONG way left to get to 115. That's still thirty pounds away and hopefully by the time it happens, I'll have a perfectly flat stomach, narrow sides, and concave cheekbones. If not - well, I'll have to get to 100 pounds like Keira, but one step at a time.

Intake so far today? One pear and a glass of OJ. But I did exercise this morning. And now that the weekend is over, no excess calories are being consumed in the form of alcohol. For dinner, I'll have a cup of sprouts and a bottle of Diet Coke.

Gonna take a mini-nap now, so TTYL. I'll leave you with some thinspo, since my blog is looking a little bit bare.

Good news!!!

Yes, that post title did most certainly merit THREE exclamation marks.

You know how discouraged I've been lately. No visible results were really getting me down. But I am the same weight (AFTER my candy binge) and I fit into my skinny jeans!

More later...

Binge day

Total, total binge day. I went mad. Weighed 70.5 this morning, was doing well (only 200) and then ate like mad. And of all things, I binged on CANDY. Lollipops (3), Twizzlers mini packs (FIVE), a roll of Smarties, and two packs of Nerds. Wow. I feel like Augustus Gloop.

Disgusting.

I'll weigh myself tomorrow, I'll be thrilled if I am somehow (but miracles don't happen) the same weight.

:( At this rate, when will I ever break 70? Still, am keeping chin up. Now that I've gotten all the candy cravings out of my system, I will be stronger tomorrow, simply because I CANNOT face this blog if I am not.

Thoughts on white shorts

The other night, I was chilling with some friends, thinking about going to this White Party at another campus( Yeah right, when I'm the size of a fucking whale), when one of them held out a pair of white shorts.

Beautiful, teeny-tiny white denim shorts.

My other friend tried them on, after moaning that she wasn't a size 0 anymore. (Of course, everyone else in the room was much, much thinner than me.) And the sight of the 2 pants (26 inch waist) riding effortlessly up her long, lean thighs was fantastic thinspo. Currently I'm a size 8-10.

I have to, have to, HAVE to be able to fit into a size 2. My friend does, and she's TWO whole inches taller than me. I can't even wait for the day when I'm a 0-2.

Guys only like thin girls. Without cellulite or flab. Who can wear the teensiest of white shorts and rock them.

I have to be one of the beautiful girls. I have a pretty face (don't you just hate when everyone says that and then pointedly looks at your flabby body?) and I have to respect myself enough to be pretty all through.

At least it's good - if a tad depressing - thinspo.

800? I don't think I broke a 1000, thank heaven

Ugh, I made it an eating day today.

Pack of crisps -100 cals
Energy bar-100 cals
Plate of salad-300 cals
Cone of fat-free fro-yo-200 cals

700 cals, maybe even 800. How terrible! Of course, I did walk a fair bit today. And at least I ate dinner early - not another bite more. The good thing is that maybe my metabolism will speed up again, because I can't have ANY food tomorrow to make up for today's debacle.

In other news, I'm gonna buy a weighing scale tomorrow. Eeks.

Back on track

Since I've been crossing continents (and lugging way too much luggage-let's hope I get some major arm muscle definition!) I've been way too busy to update, but I am very happy to announce that I am indeed back on track.

Current weight: 70.4 kilograms, or 156 pounds. The first (of many milestones) has been reached. Plus I've even got a few comments on my weight loss thus far.

The bad news? I've been eating six to seven hundred calories a day. Way too much for me, but from tomorrow, when school starts, I'll snap into a much more Spartan regime. And I promise daily posts.

Until next time, think thin.

Can't wait

Off today, when THE JOURNEY TO THIN BEGINS.

See you all in about 5 kilos.

Off the rails, packing

I am so ashamed, fellow anas.
I'm off the wagon, it's 2 days to leaving for Boston,where the full ana glories will recommence.
Surprisingly,I haven't really gained more than 2 lbs (back) of the weight I'd lost.

But I will NOT let you down. I promise. I'm back on the road to losing, to not eating and to worshiping Ana.

Stay strong(er) than me.

Fat-igue

Today I ate a small bowl of lentils and drank a glass of tomato juice. In the evening, my mum was on my case about how little I was eating, so I chewed a few handfuls of peas and a slice of apple in front of her, then pretended to eat a granola bar as well. It's so annoying - I can never win with her!

Too much, I know. I feel weak and disgusted. (Remember, no physical activity today whatsoever, because the sleeping pill I took last night is making me a bit drowsy and lethargic.)However, there is a bright spot in today - I weighed myself pre-eating and I've dropped to 158 lbs. Finally, under the hideous 160! I fully expect that by the end of this week I'll get to below 70 kilos.

Very tired, so won't write more. Am trying to take my mind off food by watching From Hell (all the guts and gore make me not want to touch the smorgasbord of tempting foods in the fridge). After this, I'm going to blast the A/C all the way up so that I burn more calories at night. Maybe surf through a few thinspo sites (I like skinnyvscurvy) and sleep. Tomorrow I'm spending the night at a friend's, so I expect I won't update till the day after. But don't worry, I certainly shan't be stuffing my face - they're skinny minnies and I shall get there too!

Au revoir for the present.

Oh, that this too too solid flesh would melt!

Intake?

1. Five tablespoons of lentils (I would say about 100 calories, not more than 150)
2. A glass of raw tomato juice (50?)

That's really it. Oh, and 3 cans of Diet Coke. No other liquid besides water. So, 200 calories at most. Quite acceptable. The funny thing is, my parents commend me on not eating. When I do eat, they look at me in disappointment. They can't wait to have a thin daughter. My mum, especially, can't wait to take me shopping for the smallest possible clothes we can find in the store. I've always been a dutiful daughter, the overachiever, the A+ girl. Can't let them down over this, can I?

I also weighed myself, and I lost two pounds. I'm a little disappointed that it's ONLY two pounds, but at this rate, I'm sure I'll lose 5-7 pounds by Sunday, which isn't bad at all. Right now, though, I'm starting to feel a numb hunger in my tummy. I keep reminding myself that this is going to be a long, slow journey. Patience is key.

You see, I've been on millions of diets before. Literally, millions. And the most I've ever lost is about 15 lbs. I'd restrict calories for a couple of days, or go to the gym for extended periods of time. But I'd inevitably throw in the towel and never really lose any significant weight. This time it has to be different - hence this blog. This isn't some temporary quick fix. This is going to be a way of life. Baby steps. To get to that size two, I will have to utterly transform my body.

It's going to be slow. It's not going to be easy. I wonder how many more days I will feel that emptiness in my stomach. But then, I tell myself, once my stomach shrinks, I won't feel so hungry anymore. I'm tired of hating my body, of always choosing the L sizes from the back of the clothes rack. I'm tired of covering up and being ashamed and hating it. I can't wait to be the thinnest of my friends, to look like Audrey Hepburn in little black dresses (PS-Breakfast at Tiffany's is fantastic thinspo!), to really start living. I commit to Ana. I give myself into your care, change me.

On a more mundane tone, I'm quite tired - I suppose it's the low energy level making itself felt. I'll leave you here with the famous 40 reasons NOT to eat. What the heck, I'll even throw in a picture of the gorgeous Ms. Hepburn and even a little reverse thinspiration. It's called This Is Why You're Fat (thisiswhyyourefat.com) and I promise you, it'll help you no to that slice of cheesecake in the fridge. Till next time, my thin darlings.

40 Reasons Not To Eat

1. too many people in the world are obese
2. only thin people are graceful
3. the only time people do notice a fat person is when thay get in the way of that beautuful thin girl walking by
4. guys will want to know you, not laugh at you and walk away
5. fat people can't fit everywhere
6. the models that everyone claims are beautiful, the splitting image of perfection, are any of them fat? indeed not
7. ballerina? or beanbag?
8. nothing tastes as good as thin feels
9. thin people look good in any type of clothing
10. eating is conforming to everyone else's expectations
11. have you ever seen a person not notice a walking skeleton
12. nothing can't be fixed with hunger and weightloss
13. underweight aka perfect body
14. you'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider
15. people will remember you as "the beautiful thin one"
16. you'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight holding you back
17. you will be fat if you eat today, just put it off one more day
18. anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can achieve real beauty, inside as well as out
19. i want to walk in the snow and leave no footprints
20. guys will be able to pick you up without struggling
21. hunger is your friend and it won't betray you like food
22. i want to be light enough so a helium baloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds
23. only fat people are attracted to fat people. do you want pigs to like you because you are one of them
24. bones are clean and pure. fat is dirty and hangs on your bones like a parasite
25. you will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones
26. think as anorexia as your secret weapon
27, is food more important than happiness in life? i think not!
28. when you start to get dizzy and weak you're almost there
29. you don't need food
30. people who eat are selfish and unrealistic
31. saying "no thanks" to food is saying "yes please" to thin!
32. starving is an example of excellent willpower
33. if you eat then you'll look like those disgusting, fat, ghetto and trailer-trash hookers on jerry springer
34. if someone has to describe you, they'll say "oh she weighs like 100, 110 lbs"
35. fat people are so huge, yet people look away from them as if they don't exist
36. food is mean and sneaky. it tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out making you fat, bloated, ugly and unhappy
37. if you slap a fat person you can see a shockwave ripple over their skin. that's disgusting
38. starve off the parts you don't need. they're ugly and they drag you down
39. do you want people to say "for gods sake get off me you're crushing me!"
40. if you can name one reason to be fat, i'll name a million and one to be thin

Celeb thinspo

Until tomorrow, I leave you with some of my favorite celeb thinspo, from the bottom up :
Mary-Kate Olsen- She's gorgeous. Petite, with a wild mane of tawny hair and the most pronounced collarbones and ribs. She exemplifies boho-chic at the perfect size.

Cheryl Cole - One of the most beautiful women in the world, she's lost oodles of weight to become a true sample-size queen. With that Geordie accent and those perfect pins, Cheryl's va-va-voom! I love her so much, I'm putting up extra pics of her. (Damn, look at that sea-cow next to our beloved X-Factor judge...)

Mischa Barton -This luscious OC lass is famous for her up-down weight swings. But I have to say, at her thinnest, she looks fab, and is true thinspo for even the least disciplined among us.

LiLo- Hello, size 0. Bye-bye, teen pudge! Linds may do it through Coke+RedBull, but she does it nevertheless!

Hilary Duff - The Duffster, though currently packing on the pudge, has shrunk down to incredibly skinny proportions before. Taking bets on how quickly she'll manage to do it again!

Nicole Richie -All hail the Ana Queen! She's accomplished the ultimate goal, losing weight and KEEPING IT OFF.

Posh Spice -WAG-tastic body- check. Android-perfect proportions -check!

Why these ladies in particular, not Keira or Paris? Because all of the above are NOT naturally skinny. We see the hard work they put in to shrink. And we are thinspired.
You'll be seeing much more of them in future posts.
Bonne nuit, mes cheries. Till morning, stay strong! Remember, nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Raison d'Etre -Chanel!

How, and why, did all this come about?

I owe it all to fashion. Specifically, the divine Karl Lagerfeld, the man behind the iconic House of Chanel.

Just like him, I adore fashion, always have. I strive to be chic. I struggle to be en vogue. But believe me when I tell you, it is very hard to be fashionable with jiggly elephant thighs (which look horrible with the black tights I'm always wearing), or with a droopy, flabby midriff. Just like Karl, I knew I was getting out of hand, and therefore decided to transform myself.

Here are some quotes from the great man himself, post successful weight loss of NINETY-TWO pounds in 13 months:

"If there's something dangerous, sauces are dangerous for the body. "

"Some people would like me to be round again."

"I eat next to nothing."

"I have now exactly the same weight I had when I was 18, 20. "

"Fashion is the best motivation for losing weight."

"A respectable appearance is sufficient to make people more interested in your soul."

And my personal favorite: "Yes, some people say to me you're too skinny, but never a skinny person says that to me, only people who could lose a few pounds say that. "


Karl Lagerfeld. What a legend. To read the full article on his journey, go here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/dietandfitness/3305257/I-lost-weight-to-be-a-good-clotheshorse.html

What have I eaten on Day One?

Let's see:

A cup of coffee (no sugar, skim milk) at breakfast. After breakfast I took a walk for an hour.

For lunch, I had a half-jug of unsugared tomato juice, no additives, fresh-squeezed.

For dinner, another cup of coffee, and one apple ( I shouldn't have eaten that apple because today's supposed to be a Strictly Liquids day).

If I get peckish late at night, I have some highly watered down buttermilk - hardly any calories - on standby in the freezer. (I like to eat things from the freezer because they're more filling when they're frozen solid, plus they take more calories to burn.)

After all this, I weighed myself. Hopefully, tomorrow morning I'll be at a lower weight.

Hmm. Not too bad, but I plan to do a lot better tomorrow.

Starting weight

The stats speak for themselves.

I am 74 kilograms, or 163.1 lbs.

My height is 5'7 at 21 years old. This means my BMI is 25.5. Remember, underweight =a BMI of <18.5. That to 24.9 is average, and 25.0 up is overweight. I just fall within the category of overweight.

This is my highest weight ever. My lowest weight was 150, which is barely a difference of 13 pounds.

I feel terrible. I am disgusted with myself, and have therefore vowed that this will be a chronicle of my efforts to get to my goal weight, which is 110. That is a huge undertaking, comprising as it does of a weight loss of 53 POUNDS!

It begins today...